


My Habits To Break

by WincestMistress



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath, Alcoholic Dean, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Broken Dean, Caring Sam, Dean Bears The Mark of Cain, Depression, Desperation, Episode: s10e14 The Executioner's Song, Hallucinations, Hurt Dean Winchester, Insanity, M/M, Mark of Cain, Mild Sexual Content, Murder, POV Dean Winchester, Protective Sam Winchester, Sam-Centric, Sleepy Cuddles, Songfic, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicide, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 20:39:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3461255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WincestMistress/pseuds/WincestMistress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is struggling with the Mark more than ever following his fight with Cain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by Linkin Park's 'Breaking The Habit', closely following the lyrics, so I suppose it's a songfic.  
> This is set at the end of season 10 episode 14, so obviously there's going to be some season 10 spoilers- just a warning~
> 
> Anyway, let me know what you think.

"Cas...Dean's in trouble," I heard my brother announce once they thought I was out of earshot; I let out a sigh- he couldn't be more right about that.  
Screwing my eyes shut, I headed for my room, taking no notice of anything along the way; I needed to rest. 

I may have needed to sleep, but my mind wouldn't let me. Flashing images of me...killing filled my head as I lay in silence on my soft mattress.  
Magnus, Abaddon, Randy and the loan sharks- now even Cain; they were all there every time I closed my eyes. I was never sure if they were haunting me or taunting me, but either way it was all because of the fucking monster on my arm...the one that had made me a monster too.  
No matter how much better I got, that was the landslide I faced every night- some days I didn't bother even trying to sleep to escape the memories and the nightmares. The whiskey worked pretty well too.  
But still, everything I'd done under the influence of the Mark...someday I would pay for that: the people I abused as a demon, scaring Claire who seemed to understand so little, killing humans that were pretty bad but not really evil. Some days I wished I didn't have a conscience.  
But I guessed that was one of the things that stopped it, that kept me in control...if only just.  
We all knew it would happen, though, just as Cain said. Whether I'm a human or a demon, the Mark will inevitably take me again.  
There is one thing I won't allow though, whatever happens: I will not kill my brother.  
My Sammy. 

I wished so damn much that I didn't have the Mark anymore; that there'd just been an easy cure for me that Cain couldn't use, or that he just hadn't wanted. Without the Mark we wouldn't be wasting our days chasing our damn tails, but no, I'm cursed to be a monster, Metatron won't spill whatever cards he might be holding, and Cain is dead.  
What did I have left to hope for?"

Well, there was Sam, of course. He was everything to me...but some days I wondered if he meant too much to me; surely it wasn't normal. Every so often I'd look at him in a certain way, a way that told me he was so damn beautiful- the taboo only made me want him more.  
Still, I couldn't tell him how I felt...could I? I wasn't even sure what it was anyway- was I in love with him, or did I just care a bit too much?  
No...it felt like more than that.  
Either way, thinking about Sam calmed the Mark a little, just enough to try to sleep again. 

I didn't really know what I was fighting for anymore- I'd gotten approximately two hours sleep even though I felt dead already after my fight with Cain, and I was in more pain than I'd been in a while. What was worth all this pain? Was I carrying on for the hunt? To eventually get around to killing Metatron? To pull through for Sammy?  
Why did I have to suffer?

"Damn it, Dean!" Sam huffed, nostrils flaring as I fed him my lies, "Why won't you just talk to me?"  
The real answer was because he wouldn't like what he'd hear, but there'd be nothing he could do about it, so there was just no point.  
"I'm fine, Sam, I was feelin' great actually, until you started biting my freaking head off! And, just so you know, this is me talkin' to you," I hissed, making exaggerated gestures with my hands as we glared at each other, "why don't you fuck off and leave me alone?"  
He looked like he was about to shout back, or rough me up, or talk me down, but he didn't.  
There was a strange look of resignation on his face as he dropped his shoulders with a sigh that broke my heavy heart.  
Why did I always have to do that to him? I knew that he just wanted to help and get me back on my feet; complete with all that touchy-feely crap...which maybe wasn't all that crap. I mean, I'd spent a little while thinking about it; maybe I had actually fallen in love with Sam somewhere along the road, or something like that.  
I was just trying to avoid it.  
But, how I'd been treating him...he deserved better.  
I had no memory of how we'd got this bad- I could easily remember all the times when we were grinning, content with hunting together and fighting the good fight with an actual purpose. I could remember us being happy, but I just didn't know what happened to end that.  
How did we go from being brothers, happily saving lives on a weekly basis, to men that spent so damn much time fighting each other rather than the monsters?  
How did we end up this way?

Most of me said it was me- I pushed Sam away a lot, in so many ways. I did things that I thought were right, even though it made it all worse for him; all the way back to selling my soul for him and going to Hell- I'd come back to find he'd become a crazy blood junkie and chilling with that demon whore. Of course, we all remembered where that had gotten us.  
Still, I couldn't blame him for that after everything- I couldn't really blame him for anything he'd done; if it was what he wanted or thought best then it was okay. Hell, that was what I wanted; I just struggled to show it. He meant the most, far more than anything else, and in every way.  
And still I pushed him away- from me, from my feelings, from the truth.  
He deserved so much better; I had to break that habit, tonight. 

"Sam, I...I'm sorry," I apologised quietly, getting an honestly surprised look from my brother; that didn't say much good about me, "I didn't mean that, I just- I just have a lot on my mind, okay? I'm freaking the hell out about a lot of things."  
His hazel eyes softened, following my gaze as I glanced to the chair opposite me; the one that had been strewn away from the table following our earlier words.  
"Then let me help you, Dean," he all but whispered as he took the invitation, watching me carefully with concerned eyes, "please, just talk to me- about anything."  
"I don't think you're gonna like some of it," I laughed nervously, shaking my head with a sad smile, "I've never meant to push you away, Sammy. We were so close before, but with all the shit I've pulled, I've lost you and whatever we had together. I hate myself for it, Sam, and I'm so damn sorry."  
"Hey, come on, Dean; we're just the same as always, just been havin' another of our long-term disagreements...I don't even know what we're fightin' over anymore, so let's just stop. You don't have anything to be sorry for," he chuckled, giving me a confused look as I looked down, unsure whether or not to buy what he was saying, "the first thing we gotta do to bring us back is start trusting each other again- I mean every word I'm sayin', Dean, so stop hating yourself because you're worth so damn much, even though I know you can't see it."  
I studied him, my smile widening to something more genuine as I nodded, relaxing a little, even though I knew what else I had to talk him about- he deserved more than to have me keeping secrets from him...even if they were fucked up.  
"Thanks, man; really, thank you," I said surprisingly cheerfully, grateful for his words that welcomed me home, though I laced my fingers together as my gaze dropped, "the, uh, other thing I gotta talk to you about, it ain't exactly normal, and it's gonna creep you out, but I'm not gonna lie anymore, not to you. I'll tell you everythin'...well, Sammy, I think I've kinda got a thing for you; I mean, you've always been the most important person to me, whether I show it or not, but I think over the last few years it's become a bit more than that. Sorry, Sam, I warned you that it was creepy, but I really kinda-"  
"Dude! Stop trying to explain and get over here," he ordered me breathily, momentarily puzzling me; until I saw the look of shocked happiness...and want.  
With a long release of breath, I strode around the table and into his open arms as he caught my lips and kissed me, making me feel more emotion and warmth than I'd ever thought possible- and I'd kissed a lot of people and felt a lot of things, but that was nothing compared to Sam.  
Of course, Sam would be the one- he always had been special to me. 

We could hear Cas' footsteps elsewhere in the Bunker, so stumbled towards my room with matching grins and a shared look of excitement.  
I was pushed up against the inside of the wooden door, large hands all over me as I locked the door, checking it twice, before letting Sam pull my shirt off and get his mouth all over my chest.  
I thought that the Mark would have liked that as much as the rest of my body very obviously did, especially when a hand slipped down the front of my pants, cupping me tightly, but the damn thing on my arm ached more than ever.  
I let out a sound that was half a pleasured moan, and half something pained. Sam stopped instantly, worried eyes searching mine desperately until I glanced down to where the Mark sat on my arm; he followed my gaze to the curse that was glowing a bright, angry red.  
With a gasp, he withdrew his hand, but made no move to step back.  
"I...is this my fault?" he asked quietly, still a little in shock, "That was what you wanted, right?"  
"Of course this is what I want," I smiled through unwelcome tears, kissing him gently, "I love you, Sammy, I do. I just don't know why the Mark is being a dick about it."  
He nodded, looking relieved that he hadn't misunderstood my intentions and had started groping me for no reason, but there a wet sheen of worry in his eyes.  
"I, uh, love you too, Dean, but the Mark...," he sighed, leaning his head on my shoulder, where he whispered, "what do we do?"  
I was silent for a little while, holding on tightly to him; he was the only comfort I could feel anymore. The Mark cooled a little as we stayed like that, but still hurt more than usual without the Blade around.  
"Can we...can we just lie there?" I asked quietly, my voice sounding drained and weary, "I think it might help; not necessarily the Mark, but just me. Everything feels less crap when you're around."  
"Of course," he agreed, stroking my cheek with a worried smile, "see if I can help you get some sleep this time."  
I doubted that; the Mark had its own agenda, but I could hope.  
And this was Sam- he was capable of anything. 

For a little while everything felt so much better than ever, just laying there in Sam's arms; his sleep-heavy breaths tickled the back of my neck as I stared on ahead, absently stroking the arm wrapped around my waist.  
We'd talked about a few things as we'd laid there- Sam had been just as shyly lovesick as me; we were idiots. It was pretty weird, but what was ever sane in our lives?  
I felt bad though...Sam had felt that way for a long time, which was partially why he'd left me and Dad to go to college. I should have realised it all earlier, or at least told him as soon as I'd started feeling so drawn to him in that way, even if I wasn't sure what it meant.  
I felt ill with the guilt and regret that I hadn't said anything earlier and had just been so fucking stupid and always lied and pushed him away.  
Damn it. 

I wished I'd never taken on the Mark of Cain; even if it meant that Abaddon was still kicking. I'd begun to think that even killing her wasn't worth this agony and confusion.  
What did it even want?  
Death, that I understood, but back when I was...back when I was a demon, sex had pretty much sated its needs for blood as the perfect substitute.  
So why did it get worse when me and Sam were about to get it on?  
It didn't make any sense.  
Unless...unless what it wanted most was for me to truly become as bad as Cain.  
The Mark was what kept me just on the wrong side of sleep; it was burning again, worse than ever. It was more than just pain though, it was hungry.  
It wanted blood.  
Sam shifted in his sleep, rubbing his nose in my hair with a soft snore that brought a smile to my lips- until there was a pulse of energy through my body, an urge that I would never fulfil.  
Even as I fought the power, Cain's words ran through my head.  
"Never," I spat bitterly, sliding out from my brother's arms, and then kissed him softly on the forehead, eyes tightly closed for fear of what I'd be forced to do if I saw him there, completely vulnerable.  
The Mark needed something.  
It wanted Sam, but it could never have him. 


	2. Chapter 2

"Dean? Where are you going?" Cas asked suddenly as I made for the stairs, making me jump ten times worse in my agitated state, "It's not a good idea for you to be going out alone in your...condition."  
"I have to," I muttered, hand twitching at my side- which he seemed to notice, "what else am I supposed to do, Cas? You can't feel this, how hard I'm fighting it; the damn thing wants Sam."  
"Dean, we will work this out," he stated with obvious determined, but it was wasted on me, "killing someone every time it hurts is not the answer. Don't do this or I'll have to-"  
"This ain't the usual feelin', Cas; I was with Sam and everythin' was great, then it got worse than ever. I'm desperate!" I exploded at him, then grit my teeth as I continued walking, "Listen, if you follow me or try to stop me, I'm sorry, but it's gonna be your blood on my hands because I am that close to losing it, so just let me go and calm down."  
The angel stopped, a reluctant look in his eye as he watched me leave, but he allowed me to slip out through the door.  
I'd have to apologise to him for that at some point when this was all over.  
Baby was just where I'd left her parked out front- I really should have moved her inside earlier, but I had a feeling I'd end up needing her again before the night ended.  
It wasn't that late, really, only just after midnight- the closest bar would still be open and serving drinks for at least another hour.  
I glanced down at my arm as I felt another pulse of dark energy and sighed, tapping it lightly.  
"Quit it," I muttered, shaking my head as I pulled away from the place I'd come to call home, "I'm gonna shut you up soon."

The dive was your average joint full of all kinds of faces; no familiar ones though, luckily.  
That meant no one was around to bother me or watch me drown myself in whiskey and whatever else for a couple of hours.  
No one really spared me much thought; I was just one of many guys sitting around, hoping that I'd find some form of answer at the bottom of a glass.  
There was one guy though, a big, older drunk who kept sending me some weird looks, but I wasn't exactly stable enough to go and find out what his problem was as I usually would.  
The Mark seemed to be leaving me alone a little at least; the power in my arm fizzling out more with every drink I threw back.  
"Dean," came the soft voice of my brother, making my fingers freeze around the glass, "please come back to the Bunker."  
"Sammy," I sighed, closing my eyes as he sat down next to me, "you shouldn't be here- I left to get away from you. I'm not safe to be around right now."  
"So, what, you thought it'd be better to get yourself steaming drunk?" he frowned, but did seem to be honestly asking.  
"Yeah...it helps sometimes," I replied, glancing away, though I found myself looking right at the guy I seemed to have pissed off who was now sitting at a closer table, so sighed back to Sam, "it's your blood it wants more than anyone else's, Sammy. It wants me to kill you; being with you makes me feel so much better- I love you damn it, but when I'm near you this thing on my arm is just begging me to slit your wrists and stab you in the heart. I can't let that happen, so just leave me alone!"  
I hadn't meant to shout at him; he knew that, but the worried tears sprang to his eyes all the same.  
I'm so sorry, Sammy.  
"Hey, boy, I been watchin' you since you came in- yer one of 'em strange ones, ain't ya? You and yer boyfriend there?" my creeper called loudly from right next to me, making me grit my teeth and clench my right fist, "What makes you think you queers can come into my bar 'n' start makin' a fuss?"  
"Listen, man, you do not wanna do this right now," Sam warned him quickly as my eyes narrowed and hands shook; I was starting to lose my composure, "I'm warning you, back off for your own good. We don't mean to cause any trouble here, but you need to back off."  
I was seeing red- no, I could feel it more than see it, and it was taking over.  
Next thing I knew, my brother was gripping my shoulders tight, desperately shaking his head, beautiful eyes wide, but the power pumping through my veins was almost too strong.  
I was barely holding on, but I'd do it just for him, as long as nothing pushed me any further.  
"Dean, please, no. You can fight this, Dean, I know you can. You're stronger than this, please," he whispered quickly, urging me with the panicked desperation in his tone, until his eyes suddenly flicked over my shoulder in alarm, "Dean!"  
I spun round and caught the knife-wielding hand of the old drunk, and suddenly it was all over for me. 

I could barely hear my brother's pleas as I grabbed the old man's knife and set to work, the Mark pulsing smugly as it took over.  
I started with the guy that had pushed me over the edge; I slashed him up good, leaving him to bleed out on the cold floor with a few snapped bones, before moving on to my next victims.  
The body count was piling up, but I couldn't see an end in sight; their screams were music to my ears, and the blood painting the walls only spurred me on further.  
How many had I killed? Ten? Fifteen?  
I had no idea.  
I noticed that Sam trying to get a few people free, but I'd rushed them, quickly and effortlessly slitting their throats- yet not Sam.  
His strong arms had wrapped around my waist a few times to stop me, but he was weak in comparison to the unnatural strength that was fuelling my body on.  
Not even Sam could stop me, so eventually he seemed to give up trying; he just sat at the bar, staring into my empty shot glass, waiting for my massacre to come to an end.  
There was no stopping until the last one had fallen into the bloody mess the the floor had become; I was just as well-painted as the walls and even Sam's back.  
Sam. 

"That just leaves me, then, doesn't it?" he sighed after turning to face me, his eyes looking so, so tired, "Go ahead then, Dean. If this is what it takes, then fine, but don't think I'm going down without a fight. I just wish I could hold on to you one more time; I want you back, Dean. You don't have to do this."  
Sam.  
Sammy.  
Never.  
I fell to my knees in horror, staring around the blood-soaked room, disorientated, until my eyes fell back to Sam.  
"I...I can't. Sam, I- what happ- what have I done?" I choked out, stopping to almost cough up my lunch, then found my brother suddenly on his knees in front of me, taking me in his arms, "Sam, I...I don't want to be a monster anymore. Please, help; I don't know what to do."  
"Shh, it's okay, Dean, you're gonna be okay," he whispered, but I could hear the terror in his voice as he shakily smoothed the back of my head; it was warm and sticky, "we need to get out of here."  
"I...I did this," I murmured as he all but dragged me out of the building and into my car, making me sit on top of his jacket so that I wouldn't spread much blood around; he always was thoughtful like that, "I can't do this anymore, Sammy."  
I glanced down at my arm; the Mark no longer hurt, or burned, or...anything. It felt like it was finally leaving me alone for a while.  
"It wasn't your fault; it was what the Mark made you do. I'm just glad you made it back to me," he replied quickly as he drove, like he was trying to convince himself rather than me, "you're going to be okay."  
I doubted that; I'd just killed a room full of completely defenceless, innocent people- triggered by just one drunk asshole.  
Sure, I hadn't touched Sam, but that was because he was everything to me- no one else in that bar was as lucky.  
I'd killed more people in the space of fifteen minutes than most of the monsters we'd ganked had ever killed.  
I was much, much worse.  
A single tear started the flow as I realised the truth: things were never going to be okay.  
"How you doing?" my brother asked quickly in a flat tone as he pulled into the garage, then glanced over as I didn't answer; I couldn't speak or even breathe around the sobs that wracked my chest, "Dean!"  
The tears just kept falling as I convulsed where I sat, my face vacant of all emotion, hiding the cold abyss I'd fallen into.  
"Hey, it's gonna be okay," came the words whispered into my skin once Sam had rushed around to open the door, catching me in his arms, "things are fucked up; all of this with the Mark and the pain, but you're going to be okay, Dean. There has to be an answer, but even if there isn't...I will do everything I can to get you through this, whatever it takes."  
The tears fell harder; I didn't want to get through it anymore.  
I didn't deserve that. 

"You got him back," Cas sighed in relief from the other end of the garage, but froze as he saw Sam's wide eyes and bloody footprints, "what the hell happened?"  
Sam just shook his head, lips tight as he dragged the hand that wasn't holding me through his hair.  
"We'll talk about it later, just help me get him inside," Sam said sharply, though the fear in his voice was obvious, "we just need to get him safe."  
Was that fear of me, or fear for me?  
Cas was hesitant, regarding me cautiously, but came and helped shift me since I'd lost all feeling in my body.  
The numbness was starting to feel strangely welcoming.  
"Just hold on," Sam murmured in my ear, laying a quick kiss on my cheek as we moved, both guys supporting me under my arms until we made it to the bathroom. 

"You...what happened?" Cas sighed, sounding like he'd just seen too much after everything and was growing tired, looking to Sam, "Did he...?"  
"It wasn't his fault; he didn't go there to kill," Sam muttered as he helped me shrug off my shirt so I was sitting shirtless in the empty bath, "does it still hurt?"  
I couldn't answer.  
"Damn," he sighed, leaning in close to wrap his arms around me, "Cas, can you give us some time alone? I'll explain everything later, I just need to look after him."  
The angel left without a word, but I could feel his disappointed gaze on our backs.  
"Can you move? You need to wash that blood off," Sam asked as he moved away and started undoing my boots, "Dean?"  
I let out a long breath, looking down at him through a hazy film as I made to rub my hand across my face, but flinched away from the bloodstained digits.  
"Sammy," I said quietly, shuffling away from his touch, "you need to stay away, or I'll...or it'll- I...."  
My throat ran dry as I looked away, biting my lip.  
"You can complain and tell me why I should stay away later," he half-laughed to try and make me relax, shrugging off my protests in a way that made me feel strangely at home, "right now though, you gotta have a bath because, dude, you reek. Can you take care of yourself or do you need a bit of help?"  
I gave him a slight upturn of the lips and tried to kick off my boots, flicking a little blood up the side of the tub, and a wave of sickness through me.  
That was a combined splatter of a whole room full of corpses.  
I'd killed a bar full of people; they'd had families and friends and everything else.  
I didn't deserve to be here.  
"Dean?" Sam gasped, fussing over me as I drifted in and out of consciousness, my mind trying to shut down as the bodies flashed before my eyes.  
There was suddenly something wrong- more wrong with what I was seeing. On top of the bar lay the body of Crowley, and next to him was...was Cas; dead. The worst of all though, was just what Cain had promised...Sam lay in front of me, the light fading from his eyes as he offered me one of his sincerely sad smiles.  
Sammy. 

 

"Sam!" I screamed, opening my eyes to the darkness with the hot, salty taste of blood in my mouth, sweat soaking my back, "No, Sammy!"  
"Dean! It's okay, Dean, I'm here. I've got you," came the hushed, reassuring voice in my ear, an arm around my middle and a hand on my heart, "you're okay, Dean."  
He leaned over and stretched past me to turn on the table lamp, illuminating his worried features as I hesitantly turned to face him, seeing the blood dripping from his pale lips.  
We both knew it but weren't going to say it; the...incident was a week and a half ago, and I'd woken up screaming his name at least four times a night since.  
This was the fifth time in three hours- things weren't okay.  
How did I end up so broken, after all we'd done to try and prevent this?  
Everything...we'd done everything- how did Cain ever stop killing for that long period? The pull of the Mark...it was undeniable; it would always lead me to kill, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.  
Why me, though? I saved the fucking world from Abaddon's rule, but I still ended up in the gutter, losing my mind as I scream for my brother every half an hour.  
"Are you okay to go back to sleep?" he asked softly as my body shook, until he held on tighter, forcing the shivers away, "I'm with you Dean- it's you and me against the world. I'm here for you; you can sleep."  
I choked a little on the bitterness in my mouth, but nodded slightly all the same; his words didn't make me feel much better, but I could feel the comfort and promise he offered.  
I wasn't sure why I still woke up screaming; I'd seen enough bloodshed in my time, and knew that Sam held on to me as I slept, protecting me from everything he could- everything but myself, the one thing that was trying to destroy me.  
Every time I looked at his beautiful face for comfort, I saw it as I had in that dream...splattered with his own blood, as well as everyone else's.  
I couldn't take this much longer.  
All of this madness, though, it did make me start asking all the right questions.  
Was all this even worth fighting for anymore?  
Sam had made me his charge; made it his duty to stand between me and everything else, but was I really worth his struggle?  
I'd become useless...I couldn't hunt anymore in my state- I just kept seeing my victims everywhere I looked, hearing their screams echo in my head.  
Hell, I couldn't even cook because the one time I'd seen the knives in the kitchen I'd gotten a flashback that knocked me off my feet.  
There'd been no improvements since the first night; I'd become nothing but useless and broken.  
"Stop thinking, Dean," San murmured, his warm hand gently holding my cheek as I sighed into it, pressing a kiss into the skin, "just focus on me- on us, on what you feel now...don't wanna lose you, Dean, not to this. You gotta let go of the guilt and the memories, or it'll destroy you."  
Wasn't I already destroyed?  
Sam...he put so much into trying to save me from the world; the Mark; myself, but he should never have had to do that.  
I'd tried to tell him that, but he wouldn't listen, saying that he needed to do this after what I'd spent my life doing for him, and simply because I meant so damn much to him.  
Maybe I should never have allowed us to get so close...I shouldn't have told him how I felt about him. He wouldn't be so stubborn if he was still at pissed at me from one of our stupid arguments.  
But no, it had gone too far; I was glad to have told him about it all before the end though, to have just gotten the chance to kiss him.  
The worst part of it all was that Sam was so determined to fix something that had always been broken.

 

My arm twitched angrily, the Mark awakening again after its rest while I suffered on.  
"Sorry, Sammy," I whispered through grit teeth at the soundly sleeping man as I moved away, tears starting to leak down my cheeks, "I gotta do this...love you, man."  
There was a mournful sigh in his sleep that broke my heart; even unconscious, he knew there was no hope.  
Cas, Charlie, Sam- everyone was wasting their time with me, and I had to end that.  
Tonight. 

I was led out by the Mark, around the puddles of blood and bodies I saw on the ground; it was like Hell all over again- after I'd become the torturer.  
Don't know if I'd just seen too much, or become too numb, but the sight didn't bother me anymore; it was starting to seem...normal.  
That was yet another reason to put an end to this.  
I could feel that it was near; Cas was so fucking stupid to have kept it here, but then again what was the alternative? Heaven wasn't safe enough for it with the occasional rogue angels floating around up there, and just angels in general. Hiding it somewhere on the outside probably wasn't a good bet with everything out there, and he'd tried hiding things on him before- that hadn't gone well.  
So, that left our impenetrable fortress.  
I wondered if Sam knew it was here; the Mark certainly did.  
I let it take me to one of the old bedrooms deep within the belly of the place, feeling the Blade call me towards where it lay inside the dusty mattress.  
With a quiet sigh, I pulled the thread out from where Cas had managed to brush the dust off as he'd slipped it inside; he shouldn't have bothered trying to sew up the seam afterwards- he was awful at it.  
He shouldn't have made such an effort for me though. 

The more I thought about it, the more I saw that my life was made up of people putting in too much hard work just for me- they shouldn't have bothered, I wasn't worth that.  
Sam shouldn't have had to spend so much time guarding my back and scraping me up off the curb when I got into trouble, and he shouldn't've had to put up with me and my problems with the Mark, trying to fix something that is completely shattered.  
I was the one that was supposed to take care of Sam, but I just couldn't anymore; I was causing both him and Cas more trouble than ever. The first night of my screaming had brought Cas running in to find Sam holding on to me, meeting the angel with terrified eyes.  
Neither of them knew what to do with me.  
I knew. 

The Blade was heavy in my hand; it felt good, even more powerful than when I had the knife, but I knew what it wanted too; what it'd cost.  
The Mark whispered to me, thirsting for Sammy's blood as always, sizing up Cas as an appetiser along the way.  
Yes, the Blade would get what it wanted tonight; the taste of blood.  
I left a note on the bedside table next to where the Blade had been hidden, telling Sam not to blame Cas for hiding it here; this was unavoidable and would probably have happened anyway after getting the Blade back to kill the next big boss monster.  
I may have become our greatest weapon, but I'd become an even bigger threat and burden. 

I walked out of the room, down to the dungeon just in case it went wrong, and sat in the chair within the devil's trap- obviously I couldn't chain myself to it so I just had to hope.  
Just let me go.  
With a deep breath I closed my eyes, gripping the ancient bone tightly as I plunged it into my chest.  
There was a sharp groan pulled from my throat, the Mark suddenly burning again, more painful than the feeling of the hole splitting my chest open. It was angry; seething that I hadn't given it Cas and Sam, furious that I'd found the way to outsmart it.  
The cost was huge, but it meant that Sammy would live, and that I couldn't kill anymore...this was a best ending for everyone.

My last breath was just on the verge of slipping away as I saw Sam in the doorway, then running towards me as though he thought he could save me.  
"Dean!" he gasped desperately, catching my head in his hands, trying to keep me looking at him, to stay with him, "Hold on, Dean, it's okay, we-we can fix this!"  
I wished he hadn't had to see this, but he may have hated me forever if I never got the chance to say why.  
His face...it didn't have blood on it anymore; he just looked like my Sammy again.  
"Jus' did," I smiled as best I could as blood rushed up into my mouth, making me choke and splutter over him, "can't...k-kill you now...Sammy."  
As I fell forwards into his shoulder, the Blade slid out from within me, making a satisfying sound as it clattered to the ground.  
It was useless now, just an old animal bone; no one else was around to use it anymore, and if there were any others with the Mark that we'd never known about...they'd never find the Blade here.  
It was finally all over.  
The last sounds I heard were the sobs of my brother, whose shaking arms felt further and further away as everything faded out.  
No...this was meant to be better for him, but he may never understand that.

Did I really make the right choice?


End file.
